The Survivor Recap: "Get a Fat Dip of that Guac"
Just when we thought Survivor: Cagayan could not get any raunchier than last week's scene in which Tony Baloney makes intimate love to a piece of stone, we have episode 10 titled "Chaos Is My Friend" in which the raunchiness got completely out of hand.
But before we get to the sex scenes, let us kick off where we left off last week. Jeremiah was kicked off the island where he went to Ponderosa to have several bouts of diarrhea. Kasstastrophe couldn't spell a word that even Tony Baloney could, "there's no Y in fighting, bro." So we were left with three brains, three brawns, and one beauty.
Last night's show kicks off with the tribe returning from tribal council where Kasstastrophe gloated about how she knew that Spencer had the idol and how the most "selfish beast on the planet" is a "college aged male" and not people named Kasstastrophe that turn on their alliance over wanting to hurt someone they don't like. Meanwhile she tells him everything he needs to know on how to hide the fact that he has an idol in the future: not be calm. At the same time, everybody tries to keep their pants from falling. Starvation sucks.
The next morning Tony and Woo return with tree mail. Woo asks Trish to lift his shirt as he turns his back to her. Trish, lifts his shirt and as she put it, "I almost wet my pants." Tony takes another crack at reading. The
savages survivors start screaming and yelling about the food in their future. It is the Survivor auction! Tony lets us know that he is only bidding on the advantage and nothing else.
The first item up for bidding is popcorn, candy, and a soft drink. Exactly what a starving stomach needs. Trish buys it for $80. Everybody else drools. Hunger really does work wonders on the mind. Jefra buys the next item, which is covered, for $100. When it's revealed it's quesadilla, guacamole, salsa, and a margarita. Again, the drooling continues. Woo says sensually, "Get a fat dip of that guac." Kasstastrophe buys the next covered item for $20. Before Jeff reveals what she just bought, he gives her the option to trade it for something else. She sticks with her original choice which turns out to be steak sandwich and iced tea. The item Kasstastrophe passed on remains covered. Trish buys it for $60. Rice and water. Everyone laughs. Up next: ribs and a beer. Woo buys it for $40.
Woo walks up. Woo takes a bite. Sensual music kicks in. Woo's mouth is smothered in barbecue sauce. The music continues as Woo chews. Sensually, Jeff says, "Tender." Woo, "Juicy." Jeff, "Lathered with barbecue sauce." Woo licks his lips and takes a refreshing sip of the cold beer. Some falls out of his mouth like drool. The others watch as Jeff and Woo make love on a platter of tender, juicy, barbecue sauce. Woo's mouth will never be the same. Woo returns and Spencer says, "Oh my gosh, it looked smaller when it was up there."
Tony, Spencer, and Tasha are grilled on why they're not
taking part in Jeff's love fest bidding on food. They all claim they're waiting for an advantage at the next immunity challenge. Finally, the advantage is up for bids. Tony bids $500. Jeff tells Tony to slow down. He explains if more than one person bids $500, they aren't bidding for the advantage but for a chance to draw rocks to win the advantage. Tony and Spencer bid. Tasha doesn't. Jeff pulls out a bag with two rocks, one white, one black. He who draws the black rock gets the advantage, he who draws the white buys a $500 white rock. Tony draws the black rock. Tasha's and Spencer's faces drop. Tasha held out because she was hoping for another item that would've been a clue to a hidden immunity idol. She hoped wrong.
Tony fills in Spencer on the advantage, "But you see this right here, it's like a catch-22. We're starving so we don't have the energy, so even if it's an advantage, someone like Woo that just ate those ribs is probably gonna, you know what I mean? You, that lost the drawing of rocks, starving and no advantage."
Kasstastrophe rejoices in Spencer's bad spirit, "I got to see Spencer have the true dejected look that I've come to know and love and expect from him when he knows he's on the block."
Tony's alliance takes a nap. Tony's upset. Tony goes for a walk. Tony reads his advantage. The advantage is a clue to a hidden immunity idol. Tony is elated. Tony goes looking for the idol. He looks for a big white tree. The big white tree is more elusive than it seems. Leaving Tony to get contemplative and philosophical while raising his arms in the air, "What's big? What's big?"
The women are all in the water. Tasha and Spencer are aware that Tony, as Tasha puts it, "is a loose cannon." Tony notices Tasha with the other girls. Spencer seizes on the opportunity to plant some doubts in Tony's paranoid sleep-deprived head. Spencer says, "If I could make Tony paranoid." Wait, what? Tony's not yet paranoid?
Tony being the paranoid man that he is, listens to Spencer but wonders about whether Spencer is telling the truth. Two seconds later, he thinks what Spencer said makes so much sense.
Tony sits, alone, and thinks, or whatever Tony's equivalent of thinking is.
Spencer takes a lone walk along the beach. The girls again, are in the water. Trisha who has the girth of a strand of spaghetti says, "He's so skinny, he really needs to put some weight on." Okay Trish.
A crab dies in a basket. Tony wonders whether it is safe to eat. The girls, from the beach, tell him to put it in some boiling water. The only thing boiling at this point is Tony's blood. He whispers to Woo that the girls should come over and cook the crab. He goes for another stroll.
A big white tree appears before Tony as some sort of holy revelation in the woods. Tony slowly makes his way towards salvation. "Now this is a big white tree." After several seconds of pure adulation of the big white tree, Tony starts digging. And digging, and digging. Dramatic music plays. He finds the idol. "Come to papa! I love you so much." A kiss. No love scene this time. Another stone for Tony Baloney, earning him the moniker Stony Baloney.
He shows it to Kasstastrophe. Next to Woo, then Jefra, and finally Trish. He tells them he can use it for anyone like he did the previous time. But in his confessional he informs us that he showed it to them so that they know that he is safe. Jefra seems upset.
The immunity challenge consists of pulling bags out of the sand with a rope. The five bags each contain one ball. The balls should be released and placed on a table maze where they need to be maneuvered into five slots. Tasha gets to the maze first. Before Stony even gets to the maze, Tasha already has one ball in its slot. Stony yanks his board. Here's Jeff, "Tony goes crazy and knocks his balls all over the place." What else is new? Tasha gets the second ball in. Woo gets his first, as does Stony. Tasha gets her third. Woo gets his second, Spencer his first, Woo his third, Tasha her fourth, Stony watches Tasha, Woo his fourth, and Tasha barely beats Woo. Tasha screams and jumps for joy, "Thank you Jesus." Tasha, once again, wins immunity.
Tasha and Spencer go for a walk. Stony's alliance agrees on Spencer. But Stony seems concerned. At his confessional, Stony shows off his math skills, "With Spencer gone, it's only two guys now. It's very easy to see, it's four against two, they can pick us off one by one." He decides to turn on Jefra. He walks over to Woo. The two of them realize the dangers of the girl:guy ratio if Spencer is gone. The two agree, Jefra has to go, but Kasstastrophe and Trish cannot know.
Stony has a chat with Spencer. The vote is for Jefra, but it's Spencer's job to convince Tasha. Spencer is convinced that he fed Stony's paranoia about an all girls alliance. Little does he know how paranoid Stony already is. Spencer talks to Tasha, Tasha agrees. Spencer, however, doesn't trust Stony. It's amazing anybody does. Spencer goes looking for an idol. Stony starts getting paranoid about Spencer. He starts having doubts. Here's Stony, "I don't know what to do at this point. I would say I'm driving myself crazy, but I don't think it's me driving myself crazy, I think it's the game that's driving me crazy."
The tribe heads to the tribal council. Stony and Spencer bring up Jefra's doubts about the alliance and how she wanted to blindside Stony. Stony reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out his idol. Smiles on all the men's faces, not so much the women, not at all actually. Jefra says she was upset about LJ. Kasstastrophe sticks up for Jefra. Kasstastrophe says that people's heads are spinning and paranoia is everywhere.
Voting begins. Kasstastrophe votes for Spencer and delivers, "I already saved you once, I'm not doing it again." Bitch much? Spencer votes for Jefra and offers, "The moral of the story: actually play the game before you get played." Thanks Aesop. No one plays an idol. Jeff tallies the votes: Spencer, Jefra, Spencer, Jefra with a heart, Spencer, Jefra. Trish, Jefra, and Kasstastrophe look bewildered. Jefra gets another vote. Jefra is voted out. Trish and Kasstastrophe look at each other. Spencer smirks, as do Morgan and LJ at the jury. Jefra is the last beauty voted off. Three brains and three brawns remain, proving the old adage true that beauty never lasts. Kasstastrophe shakes her head. Trish's face is buried in her hands. Stony, Spencer, and Morgan cannot resist smiling. Six remain, who will win, brawn or brain?