The New York Observer recently listed all the potential candidates for New York City Mayor. How will the city change after 20 years of the Giuliani-Bloomberg era? We did some research on the future and discovered that some of these candidates are likely to transform the city in a real negative way. The candidates are ranked by how disastrous to the city it would be if they win the next Mayoral election. Ranked in descending order.
17. Bill de Blasio. The most progressive of the major candidates. Maybe some rich people might threaten to leave the city, but what else is new?
16. Sal Albanese. See Bill Thompson.
15. Bill Thompson. The only grit he is likely to bring back to the city is boring millions to their untimely deaths.
14. George McDonald. The city will never see crime and grit again. Full employment will be achieved. The Soviet city is nearer than you think. Maybe breadlines?
13. Adolfo Carrión. Just scandals. Moving along.
12. Malcolm Smith. Scandals. How blaise.
11. John Liu. See Christine Quinn on scandals.
10. Christine Quinn. Her shady dealings with billionaire Bloomberg may result in a scandal much like the city's 1980s scandals. In addition another disease scare may spread like tuberculosis and influenza in the distant past or like the AIDS scare of the 1980s as she has blocked a bill to give workers paid sick days.
9. Mark Gallogly. Class war ensues, as the city cannot take another four years of a one percenter running this town. Another Norman Thomas rises from the ashes.
8. John Catsimatidis. Gristedes supermarket chain owner. Filth will spread through the city as the mayor will declare, "What do we need sanitation for, my supermarkets are doing just fine without it." But no crime, because he can singlehandedly win shootouts with people trying to get a piece of his filthy lucre.
7. Erick Salgado. Street crime vanishes, yet everyone's pockets are emptied out as televangelism replaces taxation. Teletaxelists are heard on television sets throughout the city preaching, "Garbage will not be picked up unless the city gets $1,000,000. Pick up the phone now for sanitary salvation."
6. Joe Lhota. Riots over Newtown Creek as G train riders in both Brooklyn and Queens lose it over losing the singular subway connection the western ends of the two boroughs share. Muggings will rise again as people will have to rob in order to afford subway fare to get to work.
5. Jimmy McMillan. Lowers rents and crime plummets as everyone can afford to live in the city. However, a spike in crime follows as landlords are spotted mugging their tenants for their daily bread. Massive congestion in the city's subway system causes millions to die from excessive bodily compression which results from overcrowding in the subways.
4. Tom Allon. His local weekly newspapers increase in print but not circulation, clogging the sewer drains and causing the 2015 Great Flood of NYC from which the city never recovers.
3. A.R. Bernard. Hails from Long Island and drags the Long Island element into the city with him. Noise pollution skyrockets. Tanning salons on every corner emit so much radiation the city's denizens walk around smelling like the ubiquitous fried chicken eateries that adorn the city today. Everyone dies a slow and painful death, much like today, except darker.
2. Jeff Boss. The CIA, FBI, and the TSA label every voter in the city a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer. Drone strikes are an everyday occurrence. The "New York Freedom Resistance League Fighters" become citywide heroes in their bloody campaign against the US government.
1. Michael Bloomberg. Mike decides that he will seek a fourth term and forces every New Yorker to buy a Bloomberg box. Eight million day traders terrorize the planet.
Image courtesy of Steve Cadman.