Every weekday we bring you Live at Five in Five, a series that highlights the most noteworthy events of the day in our fair City.
Safety leads the news today. All the city's institutions are taking part in this new safety drive. The NYPD, soccer clubs, the subway and school bus unions, and even sexual predators are engaging in activities that encourage safety. What a town!
The NYPD will be placing GPS tracking devices in pill bottles to track prescription drug addicts. They will also be placing bottles filled with placebos in pharmacies in response to an increase in armed robberies for the prescription drugs.
In other safety news, a soccer club banned high fives and handshakes in response to the flu epidemic. The children are now expected to flip the bird in lieu of high fives and wave instead of shaking hands. The coach stated that "this is an excellent way to redefine the middle finger as a symbol of respect and admiration. These are exciting times!"
While kids are being frightened away from touching each other, adults will continue to do their adult things. Things like Labrador sex. Apparently Labrador retrievers have a clean bill of health.
Subway operators have been told by their union to slow down trains as they enter stations. This is result to the "subway splash" commuters have been experiencing lately. Train operators suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder when they hit an individual. The MTA is not happy with this request and has told operators to continue to drive at regular speeds mowing everyone in sight.
The school bus drivers' union is also in the news. In order to prevent influenza from spreading, the city's school buses will go on strike tomorrow preventing children from coming in contact with each other in buses and in schools.